Each punch of the keyboard solidifies new realities.
It seems I have lost another friend. She was one of the closest people to me at one point. Law school can be rough on relationships.
Now I must go and cultivate my garden.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Truth is action
Truth is:
felt in action. breath. feeling the wind against my skin. feeling the rock under my skin, my muscles flexed holding me against the pull of gravity as the fear dies away in the midst of each movement.
I have focused on the past, and I have fallen into a state of inaction. I have become, in essence, a lie. Not a full one, but more lie than truth. So many times I say things ... I have the best intentions, but without action, there is no truth. I want to make myself into a man of action, a man of truth. Each action is a step forward.
When I educate myself, it is a step on the path to truth. The action is when I can share those interesting things about the world. It is when I can help another fellow human being. It is when I somehow quash the ignorant greed that is destroying this world. I long for this life, and it is only felt through action.
Today, I went to church again. It was the universalist unitarian fellowship. It felt good to be surrounded by people preaching about doing good in this world. I have always been fond of Unitarians even when I was a Catholic, even when I was an atheist. "Old ladies on a mission" is how I remember them. Whether it was on the streets of Portland or near my college campus as I watched Ghandi's grandson speak about the message of his grandfather, Unitarians seem to convey a positive message. So I will give it a shot. I tried Atheism, but I don't have the audacity to imagine a world without some sort of pattern. And as far as Agnosticism, I guess that still defines me. My belief in God is really more of a belief that life is sacred, that we inherit a love for one another that is only destroyed by the wickedness of the world. So I long to become part of something that will help, in some small way, create more beauty and tolerance in this world, better uses of our resources and a sense of connection.
A guy can dream.
Time to read and better myself, to finish some projects and organize my schedule for the week.
Organization is like honing a soul. It frees the obstacles to action and gives the mind a sense of respite in the midst of the storm.
felt in action. breath. feeling the wind against my skin. feeling the rock under my skin, my muscles flexed holding me against the pull of gravity as the fear dies away in the midst of each movement.
I have focused on the past, and I have fallen into a state of inaction. I have become, in essence, a lie. Not a full one, but more lie than truth. So many times I say things ... I have the best intentions, but without action, there is no truth. I want to make myself into a man of action, a man of truth. Each action is a step forward.
When I educate myself, it is a step on the path to truth. The action is when I can share those interesting things about the world. It is when I can help another fellow human being. It is when I somehow quash the ignorant greed that is destroying this world. I long for this life, and it is only felt through action.
Today, I went to church again. It was the universalist unitarian fellowship. It felt good to be surrounded by people preaching about doing good in this world. I have always been fond of Unitarians even when I was a Catholic, even when I was an atheist. "Old ladies on a mission" is how I remember them. Whether it was on the streets of Portland or near my college campus as I watched Ghandi's grandson speak about the message of his grandfather, Unitarians seem to convey a positive message. So I will give it a shot. I tried Atheism, but I don't have the audacity to imagine a world without some sort of pattern. And as far as Agnosticism, I guess that still defines me. My belief in God is really more of a belief that life is sacred, that we inherit a love for one another that is only destroyed by the wickedness of the world. So I long to become part of something that will help, in some small way, create more beauty and tolerance in this world, better uses of our resources and a sense of connection.
A guy can dream.
Time to read and better myself, to finish some projects and organize my schedule for the week.
Organization is like honing a soul. It frees the obstacles to action and gives the mind a sense of respite in the midst of the storm.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Action in the midst of a cool night
Sometimes, I look out on my weekends, and I see nothing. I only see the week ahead. The type of friends to invite me out are all thousands of miles away. Because I went through something tough my first year of law school, I have had less than few great friends. Now, they are all 6 hours away.
I'm trying to build up something new in Boise, but sometimes it feels near impossible. I work and study and then work some more.
But the only path is forward. I shall go out and endeavor to meet a few of those Boise souls. Tonight, the open door lets the fresh night air in, and I long for the open street, a conversation with a friend/or anybody, and a little sense of adventure. So here I go. A night bike ride downtown where I can get a beer and maybe a conversation.
- 'Tis the weather that greets my soul with a smooth caress, grips my heart fitting it with a squeeze - and I long again for sweet love.
I'm trying to build up something new in Boise, but sometimes it feels near impossible. I work and study and then work some more.
But the only path is forward. I shall go out and endeavor to meet a few of those Boise souls. Tonight, the open door lets the fresh night air in, and I long for the open street, a conversation with a friend/or anybody, and a little sense of adventure. So here I go. A night bike ride downtown where I can get a beer and maybe a conversation.
- 'Tis the weather that greets my soul with a smooth caress, grips my heart fitting it with a squeeze - and I long again for sweet love.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Boise Summer Days
The haze fuzes with the low clouds. It hangs above Boise's emerald canopy. No sun, just daylight. The taste of fresh, acrid oil of newly paved roads that wafted into my car as I drove to the library to write these words still sits on the my tongue.
I still strive to form a semblance of normalcy into my routine. I try to remove the paralyzing aspects of fear from my life. I try to embrace those sweet souls, those laughing spirits, and curious minds. I try not to be too jealous of their lack of fear.
I try to show it as a path forward for me. A way to return to myself.
Yesterday, I swam around Quinn's Pond. I need to remember I am a man. I need to remember that I am also an animal. I have a spirit that yearns for achievement, for life, for hard breaths. I need to embrace danger. I am only moments from the bank, but I still sometimes seize up from the fear the waves will engulf me. With no more than a moment, I shall be gone and only a blip on the world's stage. It makes me struggle with my strokes and makes me weak. I flip onto my back and stroke twice and remember that I have enough strength to swim across this lake multiple times. Then I am fine. I start to swim and find my stroke again. When I look out again above the water, half the pond is behind me, and I am making the turn against the broad side of it.
Last night, I went to see "Mr. Holmes," a movie portraying the end days of Sherlock Holmes. It was a beautiful film. He went in and out of lucidness as he fought his own senility. He formed a relationship with a curious-minded young boy. The young boy brought Sherlock's mind back, but also reminded him of his lonely nature, how ostracized from normal society he felt. He felt a kinship with the boy, and the boy found someone to replace his father who was lost during the war. In the end, it was only a story, but stories are the things we feed ourselves to make sense of this crazy world.
The spectrum of life is long, and it arcs in the ways our imaginations allow. If I believe I shall never find a family, it shall always be a struggle (much like the lake). If I, however, believe that a family is a goal of mine, I shall steer my life in a way where I believe it will be most likely of happening. I have to keep my life open to the possibility. I have to get done with this moving every year, living in poverty, pursuing countless degrees lifestyle. Though, I must finish what I have started.
I take a breath, and I embrace the day. It feels too late to start, but I must and lose myself in my work or leave the day unfinished.
I still strive to form a semblance of normalcy into my routine. I try to remove the paralyzing aspects of fear from my life. I try to embrace those sweet souls, those laughing spirits, and curious minds. I try not to be too jealous of their lack of fear.
I try to show it as a path forward for me. A way to return to myself.
Yesterday, I swam around Quinn's Pond. I need to remember I am a man. I need to remember that I am also an animal. I have a spirit that yearns for achievement, for life, for hard breaths. I need to embrace danger. I am only moments from the bank, but I still sometimes seize up from the fear the waves will engulf me. With no more than a moment, I shall be gone and only a blip on the world's stage. It makes me struggle with my strokes and makes me weak. I flip onto my back and stroke twice and remember that I have enough strength to swim across this lake multiple times. Then I am fine. I start to swim and find my stroke again. When I look out again above the water, half the pond is behind me, and I am making the turn against the broad side of it.
Last night, I went to see "Mr. Holmes," a movie portraying the end days of Sherlock Holmes. It was a beautiful film. He went in and out of lucidness as he fought his own senility. He formed a relationship with a curious-minded young boy. The young boy brought Sherlock's mind back, but also reminded him of his lonely nature, how ostracized from normal society he felt. He felt a kinship with the boy, and the boy found someone to replace his father who was lost during the war. In the end, it was only a story, but stories are the things we feed ourselves to make sense of this crazy world.
The spectrum of life is long, and it arcs in the ways our imaginations allow. If I believe I shall never find a family, it shall always be a struggle (much like the lake). If I, however, believe that a family is a goal of mine, I shall steer my life in a way where I believe it will be most likely of happening. I have to keep my life open to the possibility. I have to get done with this moving every year, living in poverty, pursuing countless degrees lifestyle. Though, I must finish what I have started.
I take a breath, and I embrace the day. It feels too late to start, but I must and lose myself in my work or leave the day unfinished.
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